If you haven’t watched every episode of Game of Thrones then stop reading now. I will probably spoil stuff for you.
If you’re like me then summer has been quite rough on you. Game of thrones is over, and the only football news that comes out involves players getting arrested. I could probably use this time to my advantage, and spend more time with my girlfriend or focus on advancing in my career, but instead I will focus my energy on comparing every SEC school to a Game of Thrones house. I think it’s time well spent…
I don’t read the books, so all of this is based on the show. Also I’m disabling comments, because I don’t trust you book-reading jerks to not spoil everything for me.
And so without further gilding the lily, and with no more ado, I give you my list of SEC Schools’ Game of Thrones houses…
Alabama Crimson Tide – House Lannister
Everyone outside their family hates them. They’re as old money as it gets. They just keep winning. Everyone gets excited and gives their friends high fives when they lose. This one is a no brainer.
Auburn Tigers – House Martell
They are super flashy and exciting. They make everyone believe they’re legit and awesome, and then make it to the final showdown with a Mountain. They start to kick ass for a while, and it looked to be over (21-10 at halftime, 31-27 with a minute to go), then boom, the Mountain (Florida State) gets up at the last second and makes their head explode.
Maybe what’s left of their house will be even more awesome and come back for revenge, but for now our last memory of them is the remnants of their exploded head.
Arkansas Razorbacks – House Arryn
No one really likes them, and honestly, they could jump through their moon door and die, and no one would really notice.
Mississippi State Bulldogs –House Baratheon (Stannis)
For starters, their story line is kind of boring. Sure they will occasionally build up a pretty good team, and get a decent win against a good Wildlings team, but talk to us when you beat the Lannisters, and maybe then we’ll accept you as legit.
Ole Miss Rebels – Wildlings
They’ve built up a fairly talented team with some great individual players, but no one is really afraid of them, except maybe the Nights Watch. Also come on, Rebels – Wildlings… It just fits.
LSU Tigers – Dothraki
Much like the wildlings they are basically savages, but unlike the wildlings, people are actually afraid of the Dothraki soldiers. And just like the Dothraki, an LSU tailgate without at least three deaths is considered a dull affair.
Texas A&M Aggies– House Tyrell
They are flashy, kind of new to the scene, and have ridiculous resources (recruiting the state of Texas). They are clearly here to make a power play, but no one really knows if they have the staying power to be a real threat, or if they are all show. Plus you know, Aggie: Agriculture: Knight of Flowers: Growing Strong… just go with it.
Georgia Bulldogs – House Stark
On paper they are badasses. They are well known across the country as one of the stronger houses in the realm, but their key players keep dying (or, you know, getting arrested). Also, sometimes, former banner men of theirs decide to betray them and stab them in the heart at a big party. cough Nick Marshall cough
Missouri Tigers– House Bolton
They have one big moment, killing a king when his guard was down (winning the SEC East in a down year for every other good team), and all of a sudden they think they can be Warden of the North, but No one actually believes they have any staying power. Surely the Starks will get their revenge.
Florida Gators – House Targaryen
Let’s look beyond the obvious gator/dragon comparison here. They were the former rulers of the realm, but they were overthrown and had to run away for a while. Everyone knows they have dragons and the unsullied at their disposal, and will one day comeback and murder everyone. Until that day comes, the rest of the world will keep fighting their wars, pretending like they don’t exist.
Tennessee Volunteers – House Tully
They are kind of a prestigious house. They have name recognition, and people know them across the realm, but no one really worries about them much. Who knows, maybe they will surprise everyone and make a big play for power soon, but right now they are just kind of boring.
Kentucky Wildcats– House Hollard
This guy. Kentucky is this guy.
Vanderbilt — the Nights Watch
Every now and then, when the team really bands together, they can defeat giants. But, there are still only 100 of them and you know, if that war continued, they would eventually all die. Plus Vandy wears black a lot, so let’s just go with that.
South Carolina Gamecocks – House Baelish
Maybe Littlefinger doesn’t qualify as a house quite yet, but he came from nothing and has made his way to the small council and lordship. You wouldn’t be at all surprised to see him make a big time play for the throne, but you seriously doubt it will actually work out. If you haven’t caught on by now, Steve Spurrier is the Littlefinger of the SEC.